Saving Your Relationship When Your Marriage Hurts

This article is not about hurts caused by physical or emotional abuse. If you are in a marriage that includes domestic abuse, please seek professional and legal help. If you or a loved one are a victim of domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.

For some people, their marriage is a source of joy and happiness. For others, the relationship they have with their spouse brings about feelings of emotional hurt and pain.

If your marriage hurts you emotionally and you want to save it, understanding what's behind the hurt and how it impacts your life can be helpful. Communicating how you feel can improve your relationship. In some cases, a professional's assistance may be needed to facilitate this process.

Causes of Emotional Pain in a Marriage

Emotional pain in a marriage relationship may be unintentional or a direct result of a partner's deliberate actions.

Unintentional Hurts

What hurts one person emotionally may not hurt another. However, some ways that marriage partners could hurt each other unintentionally include:

• Apathy or lack of interest
• Being thoughtless
• Controlling actions or behaviors
• Forgetfulness
• Hurtful teasing
• Ignoring their spouse
• Insensitivity
• Selfishness
• Silent treatment
• Unkindness

Intentional Hurts

Intentional hurts are when you hurt your spouse, and you know you are doing it, and you continue doing it. These hurts might be inflicted during an argument, during a clash with each other, or as a result of a misunderstanding.

An example of intentional hurt is deciding to watch pornography even though you know it causes your spouse distress. Other ways one might intentionally damage their marriage include:

• Most Common Factors of Divorce

The divorce rate has been declining since 2012 in the U.S., with a 10% reduction in divorces between 2019 and 2020 alone. This is good news if you intend on saving your marriage as this trend shows that it is increasingly possible.

Still, some partners decide to call it quits. Some of the most common reasons cited for pursuing a divorce include:

• Conflict or arguing
• Infidelity
• Lack of commitment

The way you communicate during conflict can predict your likelihood of divorce. The four communication styles often leading to a relationship's demise—referred to as the Four Horsemen—are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

For many, divorce is caused by issues that build up over time. Then, something happens that pushes them to decide that the marriage is over. There is a "final straw" that breaks the relationship, with some of the most common "final straws" being:

• Impact of Emotional Hurts on a Marriage

Emotional hurt can manifest in a relationship in various ways. When these hurts (and their subsequent impacts) are not addressed, they can lead to divorce. If a hurt occurs in a person's marriage, they might:

• Allow bitterness to build
• Clam up
• Dig in their heels on the issue
• Dwell on the hurt
• Hold onto a grudge
• Walk on eggshells around the other person
• Withdraw from the relationship

Importance of Communicating Your Emotions With Your Spouse:

One study found that more than half of the couples deciding to divorce reported not being able to talk to one another as one of the major contributing reasons. So, discussing the situation with your spouse if you feel hurt by their words or actions may help save your relationship.

In Courage to Love...When Your Marriage Hurts, author Gerald Foley explains that communication is essential for each marriage partner. Foley states, in part, "The one who is hurt and the one who did the hurting both need healing."

The hurt can continue to grow if you don't express your feelings. However, expressing negative emotions is associated with better relationship outcomes. It is specifically linked to eliciting more support and a heightened sense of closeness and intimacy.

Tips for Communicating/Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage:

If you feel hurt in your marriage, the first step is to discover the cause. What does your partner do (or not do) that is hurting you emotionally? Discuss these reasons with your partner once you have identified them. It can lead to emotional withdrawal if you don't, causing you and your spouse to drift apart.

Hold each other's hands during this conversation. Research has found that this simple action can help increase feelings of comfort, reducing emotional pain when recalling the experience later.

Here is a list of feeling words to help you get started in sharing how you feel if you're having a hard time putting your hurt into words:

• Angry
• Attacked
• Beaten down
• Broken
• Defeated
• Discouraged
• Disrespected
• Empty
• Lonely
• Lost
• Rejected
• Resentful
• Tired
• Torn
• Used
• Wounded

Additional Advice From Relationship Experts:

Relationship experts offer helpful advice on saving your relationship when your marriage hurts. For instance, in Strengthening Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard and Kathleen Rodgers suggest that you:

• Let certain things go
• Focus more on finding solutions than assigning blame
• Be specific with what you want or need from your partner
• Allow your spouse a few faults or imperfections
• Recognize which values you have in common
• Try understanding your partner instead of judging them
• Engage in regular experiences together to help your relationship grow

In The 4 Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage, author Gary Chapman shares a few more strategies for enhancing your marriage. They are:

• Deal with your previous failures
• Keep a winning attitude
• Learn your spouse's love language
• Develop your empathetic listening skills
• Find joy in helping your partner succeed
• Maximize the ways you're different
• Become a positive influence

Seeking Professional Help:

Find a professional to help if you're unable to resolve your emotional hurt independently. Couples therapy can help you address and resolve the issues causing hurt in your marriage.

There are various types of couples therapy, ranging from emotionally focused therapy (EFT), which seeks to understand and change the things that make you feel disconnected, to psychodynamic couple's therapy, striving to help you better understand each other through exploring your hopes and fears.

The type of therapy that offers the best results can vary depending on the issues at hand. For instance, research has found that EFT can help improve marital commitment while decreasing couple burnout if infertility is an issue. A therapist can help you determine the best therapeutic approach for you.

A Word From Verywell

Emotional hurt sometimes occurs in a marriage. However, it can damage the relationship, sometimes even leading to divorce, if this hurt happens regularly or is intentional. One way to avoid divorce and save your marriage is to learn how to communicate your emotions to your spouse.

A therapist can help if you find communicating with your spouse difficult or struggle to resolve your conflicts. Several types of couples therapy exist, enabling you to find the one that best suits your situation and needs.