Gaslighting: Learn the Warning Signs

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often found in abusive relationships. It involves misleading the target, creating a false story, and making them question their judgment and reality. The victim starts doubting their perception of the world and may even wonder if they are losing their sanity.

Gaslighting is usually carried out over time, leading the victim to question the validity of their thoughts, perceptions of reality, or memories. This can result in confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and uncertainty about one's mental stability. A common outcome is a dependency on the perpetrator.

Gaslighting primarily occurs in romantic relationships, but it's not uncommon in controlling friendships or family dynamics. People who gaslight others may have mental health disorders and use this type of emotional abuse to exert power and manipulate friends, family members, or even co-workers.

How Do You Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You?

Gaslighting is a technique that undermines a person's perception of reality. When someone is gaslighting you, you may:

• Second-guess yourself, your memories, recent events, and perceptions.
• Feel dazed and wonder if there is something wrong with you after communicating with the person gaslighting you.
• Be encouraged to think you are actually to blame for something or that you're just being too sensitive.

Gaslighting can confuse you and cause you to question your judgment, memory, self-worth, and overall mental health. It may help to know more about the tactics a person who is gaslighting you might use.

Gaslighting Quiz

Take this quiz to find out if someone may be gaslighting you, then read on to learn more about the different behaviors you may be experiencing:

The following are the kinds of behaviors that could mean someone is or has been gaslighting you.

Lying to You

• People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars and frequently exhibit narcissistic tendencies.
• They blatantly lie and never back down or change their stories, even when you call them out or provide proof of their deception.
• They may say something like: "You're making things up," "That never happened," or "You're crazy."

Lying and distortion are the cornerstones of gaslighting behavior. Even when you know they are not telling the truth, they can be very convincing. In the end, you start to second-guess yourself.

Discrediting You

• People who gaslight spread rumors and gossip about you to others.
• They may pretend to be worried about you while subtly telling others that you seem emotionally unstable or "crazy."
• They may lie to you and tell you that other people also think this about you.

Distracting You

• When you ask a someone who gaslights a question or call them out for something they did or said, they may change the subject by asking a question instead of responding to the issue at hand.
• This not only throws off your train of thought but causes you to question the need to press a matter when they don't feel the need to respond.

Minimizing Your Thoughts and Feelings

• Trivializing your emotions allows the person who is gaslighting you to gain power over you.
• They might make statements like: "Calm down," "You're overreacting," or "Why are you so sensitive?"
• These statements minimize how you're feeling or what you're thinking and communicate that you're wrong.

Shifting Blame

• Blame-shifting is another common gaslighting tactic.
• Every discussion you have is somehow twisted to where you are to blame for something that occurred.
• Even when you try to discuss how the abuser's behavior makes you feel, they're able to twist the conversation so that you end up questioning if you are the cause of their bad behavior.

Denying Wrongdoing

• People who engage in bullying and emotional abuse are notorious for denying that they did anything wrong.
• They do this to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices.
• This denial can leave the victim of gaslighting feeling unseen, unheard, and as though the impact on them is of no importance.

Using Compassionate Words as Weapons

• Sometimes, when called out or questioned, a person who gaslights will use kind and loving words to try to smooth over the situation.
• They might say something like, "You know how much I love you. I would never hurt you on purpose."

Rewriting History

• A person who gaslights tends to retell stories in ways that are in their favor.
• For instance, if your partner shoved you against the wall and you are discussing it later, they may twist the story and say you stumbled and they tried to steady you, which is what caused you to fall into the wall.

What Are the Signs of Gaslighting?

Being subjected to gaslighting can cause anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns including addiction and thoughts of suicide. For this reason, it's important to recognize when you're experiencing gaslighting. Ask yourself if any of the following statements ring true:

• You doubt your feelings and reality.
• You are afraid of speaking up or expressing your emotions.
• You feel vulnerable and insecure.
• You feel alone and powerless.
• You wonder if you are what they say you are.
• You are disappointed in yourself and who you have become.
• You feel confused.
• You worry that you are too sensitive.
• You have a sense of impending doom.
• You spend a lot of time apologizing.
• You feel inadequate.
• You second-guess yourself.
• You assume others are disappointed in you.
• You wonder what's wrong with you.
• You struggle to make decisions because you distrust yourself.

If you identify with any of these signs of gaslighting, it's important that you seek professional help right away. Left unaddressed, gaslighting can take a significant toll on your self-esteem and overall mental health. Your doctor can recommend a counselor who is equipped to help you process and deal with what is happening to you. You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained advocates.

Why Do Some People Gaslight Others?

The typical goal of the gaslighter is not just manipulation, but power and control. This type of learned behavior is often rooted in psychopathy or a personality disorder such as narcissistic, antisocial, and borderline.

Where Did Gaslighting Get Its Name?

The term gaslighting comes from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton, known in America as "Angel Street" and later developed into the film "Gas Light" by Alfred Hitchcock.

What to Do If Someone Is Gaslighting You

If you are experiencing gaslighting in a relationship, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Things you might do include:

• Gain some distance.
• Save the evidence.
• Set boundaries.
• Get an outside perspective.
• End the relationship.

Remember that you are not to blame for what you are experiencing. The person gaslighting you is making a choice to behave this way.

If you suspect that you are experiencing gaslighting, you may also find it helpful to talk to a mental health professional. They can help you learn more about the situation, gain perspective, and develop new coping strategies that can help you deal with the behavior.