Building Interdependent Relationships

Introduction

Humans naturally crave closeness and connection with others. Despite this, many relationships struggle due to a lack of emotional intimacy. Long-term relationships often rely on the emotional connection between partners.

Certain questions come to mind when considering how to create a secure and lasting relationship with someone who will support us during challenging times. How do we strike a balance between maintaining individuality and preserving the relationship?

The key to answering these questions lies in understanding the difference between interdependence and codependence.

Understanding Interdependence

Interdependence, also known as interdependency, is a relationship in which partners recognize and appreciate the importance of emotional connection while preserving autonomy within the relationship dynamics. Interdependence involves a strong sense of self that allows both partners to be themselves without sacrificing their core values or identities.

While valuing independence is essential, extreme independence can hinder emotional connections with others. Individuals with a robust sense of independence may find emotional intimacy with a partner challenging, frightening, or undervalued.

Differentiating Interdependence from Codependence

Interdependence is distinct from codependence. Codependent relationships are characterized by one individual relying heavily on another for their sense of self and well-being. In such relationships, the individual struggles with self-differentiation and feels an overwhelming responsibility to meet their partner's needs or have their partner fulfill their own needs to feel good about themselves.

Codependent relationships exhibit various characteristics:

• Poor or nonexistent boundaries
• Prioritizing behaviors that please others
• Reactivity
• Unhealthy and ineffective communication
• Manipulation
• Difficulty with emotional intimacy
• Controlling behaviors
• Blame-shifting
• Low self-esteem in one or both partners
• Absence of personal interests or goals outside the relationship

Codependent relationships are unhealthy and prevent partners from being themselves, growing as individuals, and maintaining autonomy. These unhealthy dynamics often involve one or both partners heavily relying on the other and the relationship for their sense of self, feelings of worth, and overall emotional well-being. When the relationship experiences difficulties, feelings of guilt and shame often arise for one or both partners.

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT explains: "[Codependency involves] someone who has lost their core sense of self so that his or her thinking and behavior revolves around someone or something external, including a person, a substance, or an activity such as sex or gambling." — Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

Benefits of Interdependent Relationships

Interdependence involves balancing self and others within the relationship. Both partners strive to be present and fulfill each other's physical and emotional needs in meaningful ways. Partners do not make demands on one another or seek feelings of worthiness from their partner. Interdependence grants each partner the freedom to maintain a sense of self, rely on each other in times of need, and make decisions without fear of jeopardizing the relationship.

Characteristics of an Interdependent Relationship

Healthy, interdependent relationships share several traits. Here are some characteristics to look for in a healthy relationship that is not codependent:

• Healthy boundaries
• Active listening
• Time allocated for personal interests
• Clear communication
• Taking personal responsibility for behaviors
• Creating a safe space for each other to be vulnerable
• Engaging and responding to each other
• Healthy self-esteem
• Openness and approachability with each other

When partners feel cherished and valued, the relationship becomes a safe haven where the couple can be interdependent. They understand that they are not alone in the relationship, can safely turn to each other in times of need, and feel confident that their partner will be present.

Building an Interdependent Relationship

Establishing an interdependent relationship begins with being mindful of who you are from the outset. Often, people seek relationships to avoid feeling alone without reflecting on who they are, what they value, and their goals for the relationship.

Taking time for this kind of personal reflection allows you to enter a new relationship with a sense of self that is critical for establishing a relationship based on interdependence.

Psychotherapist Sharon Martin, LCSW suggests maintaining a sense of self in intimate relationships. She emphasizes the following ways to maintain a sense of self in a relationship:

• Know what you like and what matters to you.
• Don't be hesitant to ask for what you want.
• Spend time with friends and family.
• Keep pursuing your personal goals.
• Be mindful of your values.
• Devote time to hobbies and interests.
• Don't hesitate to say "no."
• Don't suppress or hide who you are to please others.

Enabling your partner with the space and opportunity to do the same will be key to establishing a healthy, interdependent relationship. By starting your relationship in this way, you can cultivate a secure space for both partners to learn how to rely on each other intimately without fear of losing themselves or being controlled or manipulated.

Conclusion

Relationships built on interdependence do not leave people feeling fearful or guilty of their partner or the relationship; instead, they feel secure with their partner.

Make time to reflect on who you are and what you want in your most important relationships. Being mindful of this during the dating process can help ensure that your relationship will be more stable and healthy in the long run. If you are already in a relationship, it's never too late to examine your values and those of your partner to ensure that you remain aligned.