Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style

Studies show that our attachment patterns, either secure or insecure, often persist throughout our lives. Insecure attachment styles develop during childhood when a child experiences an inconsistent, unpredictable, and unsafe environment.

There are three primary types of insecure attachment styles: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized. Individuals with insecure attachment styles often face difficulty forming meaningful relationships as adults, but they can learn to modify their behaviors and patterns with the help of a therapist.

Characteristics of an Insecure Attachment Style:

Insecure attachment is characterized by a lack of trust and a sense of insecurity. Individuals with an insecure attachment style may display anxious, ambivalent, or unpredictable behaviors. When adults with secure attachments reflect on their childhood experiences, they commonly perceive that a reliable person was consistently present for them.

In contrast, individuals who develop insecure attachment patterns often feel that their upbringing lacked consistency, support, and validation. People with this attachment style may struggle to form meaningful relationships as adults. However, they can change their behaviors and patterns by working with a therapist to develop skills that enhance their relationships and build the security they missed during childhood.

Patterns of Insecurity:

The three types of insecure attachment styles are:

• Avoidant: Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to be dismissive, avoid intimacy, and struggle to reach out for help when needed.

• Ambivalent: People with an ambivalent attachment pattern are frequently anxious and preoccupied. Others may view them as "clingy" or "needy" because they seek constant validation and reassurance.

• Disorganized: Individuals with a disorganized attachment style typically experienced childhood trauma or extreme inconsistency. Disorganized attachment is not a combination of avoidant and ambivalent attachments; instead, it involves having no real coping strategies and being unable to effectively navigate the world.

Signs of Insecure Attachment:

People with an insecure attachment style generally find it challenging to connect emotionally. They may act aggressively or unpredictably toward loved ones—behavior rooted in the lack of consistent love and affection they experienced during childhood.

Each form of insecure attachment is linked to unique behaviors and patterns within relationships.

• Avoidant Attachment: Common behaviors include fearing and avoiding commitment, avoiding making friends, struggling to accept criticism, disliking emotional expression, accusing partners of being overly clingy or needy, disliking touch or physical closeness, preferring solitude during times of stress or upset, and avoiding investment in relationships, preferring to maintain independence.

• Ambivalent Attachment: Signs of ambivalent attachment include craving close relationships but struggling to trust others, becoming excessively focused on romantic partners and neglecting other important aspects of life, difficulty recognizing and honoring boundaries, feeling jealous or anxious when separated from a partner, resorting to guilt trips or other manipulative tactics to control a partner, and seeking constant reassurance from a partner.

• Disorganized Attachment: Signs of disorganized attachment include depression and anxiety, frequent outbursts and erratic behaviors stemming from the inability to perceive and comprehend the world around them or adequately process others' behavior or relationships, poor self-image and self-hatred, and the perpetuation of trauma in relationships, particularly related to parenting (for instance, struggling to form healthy attachments with their own children, which perpetuates a cycle of dysfunctional attachment).

Overcoming an Insecure Attachment Style:

No one needs to remain a victim of their past experiences. Individuals without a natural secure attachment style can work toward "earned security," which involves developing a secure style through relationships and interactions in adulthood.

For instance, security can flourish within friendships and psychotherapy. During intensive psychotherapy, a therapist helps clients identify past traumas, recognize the origins of their behaviors, and move forward with a more positive self-view and worldview. Ultimately, this process assists individuals in learning to form healthy, secure attachments.

The path to establishing an earned secure adult attachment style involves reconciling childhood experiences and understanding how a person's past impacts their present and future.

• Understand Your Childhood Experiences: To achieve security, you must develop a coherent narrative about your childhood experiences. Additionally, you need to examine the impact these experiences have had on the decisions you might have subconsciously made about how to cope in the world. You must critically evaluate how your upbringing influenced your attachment style and work on breaking those patterns.

• Consider the Impact on Current Relationships: Couples sometimes become trapped in repetitive patterns of interactions. They may reflect on these interactions and be perplexed by how things "get so out of hand." While they might not be aware of it, their childhood memories and experiences of insecurity can influence their feelings and interactions in adult relationships.

• Examine What Drives Relationship Problems: Even when a couple seems to be arguing about a "surface issue," underlying insecure attachment triggers might be fueling the interaction. The emotional arousal and reactivity levels can appear disproportionate to the situation. If severe, the couple's therapist (particularly if they are attachment-oriented) might need to facilitate change in the safe environment of the therapist's office.

• Keep Working to Build New Habits: Earned security can take time. Significant life events, such as getting married or becoming a parent, can be pivotal elements in altering one's attachment style. A fulfilling marital relationship can play a vital role in fostering a sense of security. A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual care, support, respect, and love between partners. For individuals with insecure attachment patterns, these qualities can help shift their negative self-perceptions.

A Word From Verywell:

Establishing earned security after a lifetime of insecure attachment patterns can be challenging. While it necessitates risk-taking and vulnerability, it can also bring the love and security you've always craved. An earned, secure attachment style can positively transform your life and relationships.

The brain's capacity for neuroplasticity allows it to change as a person modifies their behavioral patterns and beliefs. An insecurely attached individual can build the security they need by incorporating new, supportive, and loving experiences into their lives. With time, they can develop trust that a dependable and consistent person (such as a partner) will be there for them during times of distress (the opposite of what they experienced during childhood).