Situationship: Handling Unclear Commitment

Do you find yourself in a relationship that lacks a clear commitment? You and your partner share exciting moments, maybe even intimacy, but you haven't committed or discussed a future together. Answering others when they ask if you're seeing someone might leave you uttering, "It's complicated."

This arrangement is often referred to as a "situationship" by clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff. It allows individuals to experience the perks of being in a relationship while maintaining the freedom of being single.

In this article, we'll explore the characteristics, pros and cons, and potential next steps in a situationship.

Characteristics of a Situationship

• Undefined Relationship: The "What are we?" conversation has yet to happen. Defining the relationship, setting expectations, and outlining boundaries may feel premature or uncomfortable to bring up.

• Lack of Consistency: According to Dr. Romanoff, a lack of consistency is a major sign of a situationship. You may be uncertain about when you'll see your partner, how long it might take them to respond to a message, or if they'll make the effort to reach out.

• No Future Discussions: Committed relationships often involve some form of future planning, whether it's a future event or settling down and starting a family. In a situationship, talks about the future are generally absent.

• Superficial Connection: Although you and your partner spend time together and potentially share intimate moments, there might be a lack of emotional depth. Conversations tend to be surface-level, and your partner might not ask personal questions, says Dr. Romanoff.

• Convenience-Based Relationship: Prioritizing each other or going out of your way to make plans may not be a priority. Instead, you might make spontaneous plans based on convenience, such as filling a gap in your schedule or when other plans fall through.

• Non-Exclusive Relationship: You and your partner might not discuss exclusivity, and one or both of you might be seeing other people.

• "Relationship Mode" vs. "Casual Mode": In person, you and your partner might act like you're in a relationship, but when you're apart, you may switch back to "casual mode" via text or phone conversations, explains Dr. Romanoff. You might notice that your partner doesn't take much initiative or follow up on conversations or plans.

Pros and Cons of a Situationship

Dr. Romanoff highlights some advantages and disadvantages of a situationship:

Advantages:

• Reduced Responsibility: Relationships can be emotionally demanding. People drawn to situationships often seek emotional connection and intimacy with a partner while maintaining a certain level of compartmentalization. They can be present and emotionally connected in person, but apart, they can have their freedom.

• Fun and Stress-Free: Situationships can provide a fun, stress-free way to enjoy a relationship's benefits without a serious emotional commitment, as long as both partners are on the same page.

Disadvantages:

• Varying Expectations: A significant downside can be the potential for partners to have differing expectations. Even if both partners agree on the situation's dynamics at the start, one person might eventually desire more than what the other is willing to offer.

• Relationship Stress: The lack of stability and consistency in a situationship can be stressful, especially if you start to develop expectations that your partner may not fulfill.

• Identity and Social Dynamics: Relationship status can influence your identity and social interactions. Not having a committed partner might occasionally make you feel like something is lacking.

Mental Health Impact of Being in a Situationship

• Emotional Impact: Both partners may not be honest about their intentions in the situationship. Often, one person is comfortable with the casual aspect, while the other hopes for it to develop into something more.

• Self-Worth Issues: The person wanting more may conflate their sense of self-worth with gaining the approval of the other person, leading to potential mental health challenges.

• Idealization and Devaluation: Because situationships tend to be superficial, the person desiring more might not know their partner well, causing them to idealize their partner and devalue themselves.

• Pattern of Unsatisfying Relationships: Individuals who repeatedly find themselves in situationships often struggle with self-worth and may be attracted to partners who make them feel like they must earn love.

What to Do If You're in a Situationship

Dr. Romanoff offers some advice if you find yourself in a situationship:

• Be Honest with Yourself: It's crucial to be honest with yourself and your intentions for the relationship.

• Ask for What You Want: If you desire a more serious relationship, consider communicating your feelings and what you're seeking from your partner. They might feel the same way and be open to pursuing a more committed relationship, or they may not, in which case you have the opportunity to move on and find someone who values you more.

• Avoid the Passive Approach: If you want more from the relationship, being passive may be more harmful than you think. Spending time with someone without expressing your intentions or needs perpetuates the illusion of a possible future, but it doesn't actually change your situation.

• Communicate Your Expectations: If you're genuinely content with a situationship, clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations to your partner from the beginning to prevent potential hurt feelings in the future.

Closing Thoughts

A situationship is a casual relationship without commitment. If you're okay with that, it can offer the benefits of a relationship without the emotional intensity.

However, if you're seeking a committed partnership, a situationship can be emotionally challenging. The lack of stability and consistency might be stressful, and you might find yourself disappointed if you start to develop expectations.

In either case, it's important to have open communication with your partner, expressing your desires and expectations to ensure you're both on the same page.