Romantic Relationships Involving People With BPD

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often encounter relationships that are unstable, intense, and filled with conflict. This is particularly true for romantic relationships.

If you are considering starting a relationship with someone with BPD or are currently in one, it is essential to educate yourself about the disorder and what to expect. Similarly, if you have been diagnosed with BPD, reflecting on how your symptoms have impacted your dating life and romantic relationships can be helpful.

What Is Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods and emotions, issues with self-image, impulsive behavior, and difficulties maintaining relationships. Symptoms of BPD may also include risk-taking behaviors, self-harm, and suicidal behaviors.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), the resource mental health professionals refer to when making a diagnosis, recognizes BPD as a personality disorder. According to the DSM-5, BPD is more commonly diagnosed in females. The exact cause of the disorder is unknown, but genetics and environment are risk factors.

If you or your partner experience suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911. For additional mental health resources, refer to the National Helpline Database.

Symptoms of BPD in a Relationship

The DSM-5 includes intense, volatile, and conflicted personal relationships as symptoms of BPD. Research confirms that individuals with BPD tend to have turbulent romantic relationships marked by considerable turmoil and dysfunction.

For example, a study revealed that women with BPD symptoms reported greater chronic relationship stress and more frequent conflicts. Additionally, the severity of BPD symptoms in an individual corresponds with lower relationship satisfaction reported by their partner.

Maintaining relationships is a common challenge for individuals with BPD. Research indicates that BPD symptoms are associated with a higher number of romantic relationships over time.

Below, we explore how specific symptoms of BPD can affect relationships:

Instability

Individuals with BPD often fear abandonment. However, they can also suddenly shift to feeling smothered and avoid intimacy, leading them to withdraw from relationships. This results in a constant cycle of demanding love or attention and abrupt withdrawal or isolation.

Fear of Abandonment

Another BPD symptom that significantly impacts relationships is an intense fear of abandonment. This fear can prompt individuals with BPD to be constantly vigilant for signs that someone may leave them and interpret even minor events as indications of imminent abandonment.

These emotions can lead to desperate attempts to prevent abandonment, such as pleading, causing public scenes, and even physically preventing the other person from leaving.

Lying

Lying is a frequent complaint among individuals in relationships with someone with BPD. While lying and deception are not formally included in the diagnostic criteria for BPD, many loved ones report lying as a significant concern. This may be because BPD can cause individuals to perceive things differently than others.

Impulsive Sexuality

Impulsive sexuality is another common symptom of BPD. Many individuals with BPD struggle with issues related to sexuality. Additionally, a significant percentage of people with BPD have histories of childhood sexual abuse, which can complicate sexual relationships.

A 2011 review published in Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience examined the differences in sexual behaviors between individuals with BPD and those without BPD. The authors concluded that individuals with BPD exhibited impulsivity through various behaviors, including earlier sexual encounters, more casual sexual experiences, and more partners.

Lastly, research suggests that BPD symptoms are associated with a higher incidence of unplanned pregnancies among women.

Symptoms With Indirect Effect

Other symptoms of BPD, such as impulsivity, self-harm, and dissociative symptoms, can indirectly impact relationships. For example, if a loved one with BPD engages in impulsive behaviors like excessive spending, it can create significant stress within the family. Additionally, suicidal gestures can be frightening for romantic partners and introduce substantial stress into the relationship.

Starting a Romantic Relationship

Despite the intense and disruptive symptoms that individuals with BPD and their loved ones must manage, people with BPD often possess many positive qualities that can make them excellent romantic partners at times. Furthermore, many individuals who have been in romantic relationships with someone with BPD describe their partner as fun, exciting, and passionate.

Initially, many people are drawn to individuals with BPD precisely because of their intense emotions and strong desire for intimacy.

Will the Relationship Last?

Most romantic relationships go through a honeymoon period, and relationships with individuals with BPD are no exception. In fact, the experience may be amplified.

People with BPD frequently report that at the start of a new romantic relationship, they place their new partner "on a pedestal." They may feel as though they have found their perfect match—a soulmate who will rescue them from their emotional pain. This idealized thinking is known as idealization.

This honeymoon period can be exhilarating for the new partner as well. After all, it is gratifying to have someone feel so strongly about you and to feel needed.

However, problems arise when reality sets in. When a person with BPD realizes that their new partner is not faultless, the image of the perfect, idealized soulmate can come crashing down. Since individuals with BPD struggle with dichotomous thinking, or seeing things only in black and white, they may have difficulty recognizing that most people make mistakes even with good intentions.

Consequently, individuals with BPD may quickly shift from idealization to devaluation—believing that their partner is a terrible person.

The key to maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is to find ways to cope with these cycles and encourage your partner to seek professional help to manage disruptive symptoms and reduce problematic thinking patterns. In addition to individual therapy, couples therapy can be beneficial for both partners in the relationship.

Managing a Romantic Relationship

In addition to couples therapy, specific therapies have been shown to be effective for individuals with BPD in terms of improving relationships:

Dialectal behavior therapy (DBT): DBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that links a person's thinking to their behavior. DBT teaches four primary skills, one of which is managing interpersonal skills.

: DBT is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that links a person's thinking to their behavior. DBT teaches four primary skills, one of which is managing interpersonal skills. Mentalization-based therapy (MBT): MBT focuses on helping individuals understand what is happening in their minds and the minds of others.

: MBT focuses on helping individuals understand what is happening in their minds and the minds of others. Medications: Currently, no specific medications are approved to treat BPD, but doctors may prescribe medications to alleviate certain symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Research suggests that some medications can help manage anger, impulsivity, and depression. However, it is crucial to carefully weigh the potential benefits against the side effects of any medication.

Ending a Relationship

When a relationship concludes where one partner has BPD, numerous issues may arise. Because individuals with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, a breakup can leave them feeling desperate and devastated.

Even if a relationship is unhealthy, a person with BPD may struggle to let it go. This is particularly true for long-term partnerships or marriages.

Therefore, it is advisable to have a support network for both partners, especially if a breakup is anticipated. This network often includes a mental health professional.

A Word From Verywell

Despite its numerous challenges, the prognosis for BPD is favorable. While most individuals with BPD experience residual symptoms even after treatment and time, recovery and healthy relationships are possible in the long term.