Understanding 'I Feel' Statements in Communication

When disagreements arise in relationships, miscommunication and misunderstandings can often occur. Effective communication skills can help strengthen relationships and promote understanding. One useful technique is the use of 'I feel' statements, also known as feeling statements, I-messages, or I-statements.

This article explores the concept of 'I feel' statements, examines their usage, benefits, and provides guidance on how to incorporate them effectively in communication. Potential pitfalls to avoid when using these statements are also discussed.

Defining 'I Feel' Statements

'I feel' statements are a method of communicating emotions or beliefs. They focus on the speaker's internal feelings and experiences, rather than assigning blame or criticizing the listener's actions. These statements are powerful tools for expressing emotions and viewpoints without provoking defensive reactions.

'I feel' statements differ from 'you' statements, which are more confrontational and tend to place blame directly on the listener. Let's compare examples of 'you' and 'I' statements:

'You Statements'

• "You never clean up after yourself."
• "You didn't call me like you promised!"
• "You don't even care."
• "You always make me feel so small."

'I' Statements'

• "I feel stressed out when the house is so disorganized."
• "I feel worried when I don't know whether you made it home safely."
• "I feel sad when it seems like my feelings are not taken seriously."

Benefits of Using I-Statements

The concept of 'I statements' was introduced by psychologist Thomas Gordon in the 1960s as a way to help children learn to connect emotions with behaviors during play therapy. These messages have numerous benefits in communication:

Increased Assertiveness

Feeling statements allow individuals to express assertiveness without making others feel blamed, accused, defensive, or guilty. They enable speakers to take ownership of their emotions without directly faulting the other person.

Improved Conflict Resolution

I-messages can be effective in resolving conflicts without triggering defensiveness. By focusing on the speaker's feelings and needs, the conversation centers around problem-solving rather than assigning blame.

The effectiveness of 'I feel' statements in defusing conflicts may be partly explained by the norm of reciprocity. When one person communicates in a non-confrontational and emotion-focused manner, the listener is more likely to respond in a similar fashion.

Constructive Feedback

I-messages can be used to provide constructive feedback in a way that is less likely to elicit defensiveness. They focus on the speaker's feelings about the situation rather than criticizing the other person's behavior. This approach often makes the recipient more receptive to making changes.

Using I-messages can also increase feelings of empathy, cooperation, and openness to negotiation in the listener.

Effective Use of Feeling Statements

I-messages can vary in structure and application; the format "I feel ______" is not always necessary. While these messages can vary, there are three essential components of a feeling statement:

Stating Your Feeling

Express the genuine feeling you experience, using "I" as the starting word: "I feel ______." When discussing feelings, people often tend to assign blame first while downplaying the feeling.

For example, people often say, "You make me so mad," which usually triggers a defensive reaction from the other person. When the other person is immediately defensive, they are less likely to listen and respond with an open mind.

A feeling statement keeps the focus on the speaker's feeling, making it less likely to elicit a defensive response and more likely to promote effective communication.

Linking the Feeling to an Issue

Once the feeling is stated, it should be connected to a specific issue or occurrence. For instance, a person might say, "I feel sad when I'm alone and you're out having fun with your friends."

Although there is some reference to the other person's behavior