What Your Conflict Resolution Style Says About You: Is It Healthy?

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI), a popular conflict management model, identifies five conflict resolution styles: competing, avoiding, collaborating, accommodating, and compromising.

In various situations, each style may be appropriate, but collaboration is generally the healthiest for relationships since it encourages teamwork in finding solutions that benefit both parties. In contrast, a competitive style frequently strains relationships by pitting partners against one another in a winner-takes-all scenario.

Research suggests that conflict resolution style may have a greater impact on relationship strength and longevity than conflict frequency or type: "how you fight" matters more than "how often you fight" or "what you fight about."

The Five Conflict Resolution Styles

The TKI model categorizes the five conflict resolution styles along a spectrum of cooperativeness and assertiveness:

• Cooperativeness: The extent to which a person attempts to comprehend and satisfy their partner's concerns.
• Assertiveness: The extent to which a person seeks to satisfy their own concerns.

Extreme styles can be unhealthy. Highly assertive people who make no effort to address their partner's concerns may make them feel undervalued and dissatisfied. On the other hand, overly cooperative people who refuse to assert themselves may create a dynamic where one partner's needs are constantly met while the other's are neglected.

The Five Conflict Resolution Styles:

1. Competing: This approach sees conflict as a battle of wills where one person wins and the other loses. It focuses less on resolving the issue and more on determining who gets their way. This can eventually harm the relationship's basis as partners progressively see each other as rivals competing for control.
2. Avoiding: This style pretends the conflict does not exist. Avoidance is frequently driven by the fear that conflict may harm or even end the relationship. However, it is not a long-term solution because problems cannot be resolved if they are not confronted. This, too, can deteriorate the relationship as the unresolved issue strains the partnership and becomes harder to overlook.
3. Collaborating: A collaborative couple treats conflicts as an "us versus the problem" situation. Rather than competing against each other, they collaborate to discover a solution where both partners benefit. It produces the most favorable results but also necessitates the greatest amount of effort, patience, and empathy, particularly when the problem lacks a clear win-win solution.
4. Accommodating: One partner chooses to overlook their own needs or concerns in order to preserve peace. For minor issues, like choosing a restaurant, this might be acceptable. However, for more serious matters, it is not a long-term solution because it only "resolves" the problem for the partner who was accommodated. The accommodating partner will continue to feel as though the issue has not been resolved.
5. Compromising: A compromise is a middle ground between two opposing positions. It still positions the partners as competitors, but instead of battling for victory, they negotiate a solution that is acceptable to both. Rather than being a win-win, it is more frequently a draw where each party is only partially satisfied. Compromise is a viable option for difficult issues where a win-win solution is simply not possible. However, if couples rely too heavily on compromise, both partners may end up feeling like they are sacrificing too much for the sake of the relationship.

Common Types of Conflict in Relationships

Conflict exists in every relationship. As two people work to establish a life together, they face differences in perspectives and expectations as they manage finances, share responsibilities, and plan for their future.

1. Financial disagreements: Couples frequently disagree on how to balance saving for the future with paying for their current lifestyle. Others will have differing opinions on how to split financial obligations.
2. Parenting disagreements: Differing opinions on discipline, nutrition, education, and the division of parental responsibilities can all be challenging conflicts to navigate.
3. Division of household labor: Different standards of cleanliness can be difficult to combine. In other cases, one partner may end up carrying a larger burden than the other.
4. Intimacy: This encompasses both sexual and other forms of emotional and physical intimacy, such as cuddling, spending quality time together, and expressing love and appreciation for one another. While it is natural for intimacy to fluctuate over the course of a relationship, conflict can arise when one or both partners begin to feel less loved than they did at other points in the relationship.

Facing conflict in a relationship is not a sign of failure, but how you handle that conflict can have serious consequences for the health of your relationship.

How to Determine Your Conflict Resolution Style

Consider the following real-world scenario to determine which conflict resolution style you tend to use:

Scenario: Parent's Response to a Daughter's Declining Grades

• Competing: Would continue to rehash their own point of view, refuting or dismissing the other parent's concerns. The argument would continue until one parent concedes or both become exhausted and temporarily drop the issue without resolving it.
• Avoiding: Would completely disregard the issue, potentially concealing the report card to prevent confrontation.
• Accommodating: Would allow the other parent to do whatever they thought was best, dropping the issue as soon as they encountered any resistance from their partner.
• Compromising: Would attempt to find a middle ground, possibly deciding not to punish the daughter this time but having a serious discussion and warning her of punishment if her future report cards didn't improve.
• Collaborating: Would seek a solution that addressed the concerns of both parents, discussing the daughter's struggles or future plans to assist her in achieving her objectives.

How to Improve Your Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict Resolution Tips:

1. Forgive each other and start with a clean slate: If your conflict resolution styles have been unhealthy in the past, you may anticipate the same unhealthy dynamic to emerge in future conflicts. This expectation can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you rely on old defensive habits. Agree to forgive past hurts and be patient and forgiving as you work on developing a healthier conflict resolution style.
2. Listen and repeat: Avoid interrupting each other during conversations. After allowing the other person to finish speaking, begin your response by summarizing what they said to confirm your understanding.
3. Withhold judgment: If you believe the concerns of the other person are exaggerated or unimportant, keep it to yourself. Both of you should be able to openly express your thoughts and feelings without fear of being dismissed.
4. Approach it as a brainstorming session, not an argument: Each of you will propose solutions that the other person may not like. Rather than making judgments, concentrate on addressing the components of the plan that do not work and proposing alternatives.
5. Brainstorm with empathy: Make an effort to incorporate your partner's concerns into the solution you are proposing, even if those concerns are not as important to you. Your partner should do the same.

Can a Relationship Work If You Have Different Conflict Resolution Styles?

Maintaining a healthy relationship does not necessitate matching styles. However, balance in how you resolve conflicts is still essential. For instance, if one partner has a competitive style while the other has an accommodating style, the relationship may become extremely one-sided, with the competitive partner frequently getting their way.

If you and your partner struggle to resolve conflicts or if the relationship has become one-sided, couples therapy can assist you in developing a better approach.

How a Couples Therapist Can Help:

Therapists specializing in couples counseling can diagnose miscommunication and assist couples in practicing healthier conflict resolution strategies.