Fawning: Uncovering the People-Pleasing Trauma Response

Fawning refers to a trauma response where individuals subconsciously appease the perceived source of danger to ward off harm. This behavior often manifests in survivors of traumatic relationships, where they might prioritize the abuser's happiness at the cost of their well-being. Fawning can also occur in assault situations as a means of compliance to prevent further harm.

Key Characteristics of Fawning:

1. People-Pleasing Behavior: Fawning individuals exhibit a pronounced tendency to please others, readily agreeing to requests, offering excessive help, and seeking approval, even when it is detrimental to their own needs and well-being.

2. Difficulty Saying "No": They struggle to deny requests, often prioritizing the needs of others over their own. This inability to set boundaries can result in feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

3. Emotional Neglect: Fawning individuals frequently overlook their own needs and emotions, often suppressing their true feelings or failing to recognize them altogether. They may have difficulty trusting their emotions and expressing them appropriately.

4. Unhealthy Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships is a challenge for those who fawn. They may find it difficult to say no, allowing others to take advantage of their accommodating nature.

Examples of Fawning Behaviors:

• Making decisions based on what others want, even when it goes against their own beliefs or desires.
• Getting involved in conflicts to de-escalate the situation, even if they are not directly involved.
• Feeling responsible for the behavior of others, especially those who are abusive or manipulative.
• Neglecting one's own needs and desires in favor of meeting the expectations of others.
• Failing to set and enforce healthy boundaries, allowing others to repeatedly violate their personal space or time.

Understanding the Causes of Fawning:

1. Abuse and Trauma: Fawning is frequently observed in individuals who have experienced abuse in their past, such as child abuse or intimate partner violence. These traumatic experiences can condition them to adopt fawning behaviors as a coping mechanism to appease the abuser and potentially prevent further harm.

2. Cycle of Abuse: Abusers often engage in a cycle of abusive behavior followed by periods of loving behavior, creating a "honeymoon" phase where victims may believe they can avert abuse by behaving perfectly, leading to continued fawning behavior.

3. Trauma Bond: In abusive relationships, abusers may exert control over victims' behavior and finances, creating a dependence that fosters a trauma bond. This bond can result in a mix of love and attachment towards the abuser, along with fear and resentment, perpetuating fawning behavior.

Significance of Fawning:

1. Not the Victim's Fault: It is crucial to emphasize that fawning is an unconscious protective response to perceived danger, not a cause of abuse or harmful behavior. It is a natural reaction to adversity, not a reflection of personal weakness or inadequacy.

2. Indicator of Past Abuse: Fawning often serves as an indicator of past abuse, suggesting that the individual has learned to adopt this behavior as a means of survival in a traumatic environment.

Breaking the Fawning Habit:

1. Therapy: Seeking professional help is essential for addressing the underlying trauma and relationships that trigger fawning responses. Therapies such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), and creative arts therapies can be beneficial in this regard.

2. Self-Reflection: Fawning individuals need time and support to develop insight into their preferences, values, and authentic self, which may have been suppressed or ignored in the past. This process of self-discovery can aid in breaking free from fawning patterns.

Supporting Someone Who Fawns:

1. Recognizing Fawning: To provide meaningful support, it is essential to learn to identify fawning responses. Recognizing these behaviors can open the door to compassionate conversations and interventions.

2. Reassurance: Reassure the person that expressing their needs and feelings is safe and acceptable. Encourage them to explore their true self and to communicate openly about their thoughts and emotions.

3. Couples or Family Therapy: If the person is in a romantic relationship or family setting, consider seeking professional counseling or therapy. This can help open channels for healthy communication, providing support and guidance for both the person who fawns and their loved ones.