Self-Sabotaging Relationships: Causes, Signs, and Ways to Cope

What Is Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?

Self-sabotaging in relationships involves engaging in behaviors, either consciously or unconsciously, that lead to the end of a relationship. This might involve pushing the other person away or finding reasons to get out of the relationship. Behaviors focused on sabotaging relationships often stem from trust issues, past experiences, and poor relationship skills.

What Causes Self-Sabotaging in Relationships?

• Fear of intimacy: People fear intimacy when they fear emotional or physical closeness with other people. This fear can stem from difficult or abusive parental relationships and childhood trauma.
• Fear of abandonment: People with this fear worry that those they love will leave them when they are most vulnerable.
• Fear of engulfment: People with this fear worry that they will lose their identity or ability to make decisions for themselves.
• Excessively high or even unrealistic expectations: People with high expectations are often disappointed in their relationships and may self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt.
• Poor self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may sabotage their relationships because they don't believe they deserve to be happy.
• Lack of relationship skills: People who lack relationship skills may not know how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, or build intimacy.

Signs of Self-Sabotage in Relationships

• Looking for a way out of the relationship
• Gaslighting
• Serial dating
• Jealousy
• Criticism
• Avoidance
• Grudges
• Promiscuity
• Low self-esteem

Why Self-Sabotage Relationships Is a Problem

• Lack of intimate relationships
• Loneliness
• Lack of children and family
• Trouble tolerating closeness

How to Stop Self-Sabotage Relationships

• Work on your attachment style
• Take responsibility
• Learn your triggers
• Let go
• Open up

How to Deal with a Self-Sabotaging Partner

• Remember that it isn't your fault
• Don't excuse their behavior
• Try to reinforce positive behaviors
• Encourage them to seek professional help

A Word From Verywell

Self-sabotaging in relationships is understandable when you look at the underlying reasons, so it is important to treat yourself with kindness. Remember that it's okay to get help. Seeking therapy or simply a kind and friendly ear is the first step towards freeing yourself from self-sabotaging behaviors. It's also important to work with your partner to break those ingrained patterns of self-sabotage.