SET Communication Skills and Borderline Personality

When borderline personality disorder (BPD) makes communicating with your loved one difficult, following the support, empathy, and truth (SET) method can help. It can be a way for you to talk with a friend or family member who is struggling with BPD and make her feel heard and understood.

Why the SET Communication Method Works:

The symptoms of BPD can result in a person with BPD asking for conflicting things or being unable to recognize that another person cares for them, especially during times of stress. They may be unable to experience conflicting feelings at the same time and may see things in black and white with few shades of gray.

The SET method allows you to address your loved one's demands, assertions, or feelings in an honest and supportive way while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. Because each step builds on the last, it is important to do these steps in order.

1. Support:

Support refers to an initial statement that indicates that you support the person with BPD. It is a statement that begins with "I," demonstrates concern, and a desire to help. For example, you could say: "I want to try to help you feel better," "I care about you," or "I am worried about how you are feeling."

The supporting statement is meant to reassure the other person that the relationship is safe and that her needs matter, even during this difficult moment.

2. Empathy:

Empathy refers to communicating that you understand what the other individual is feeling and focuses on "you." It is not a conveyance of pity or sympathy but instead a genuine awareness and validation of the feelings of the other person, such as, "I see you are angry, and I understand how you can get mad at me," or "How frustrating this must be for you."

It is crucial not to tell the person with BPD how they feel. Instead, put their demonstrated feelings into words, conveying a clear understanding of the uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing and that it is okay to have those feelings. Without a statement of empathy, they may feel that their feelings are misunderstood. It is important to use feeling words, as in the examples above.

3. Truth:

Truth refers to a realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the other person's role in solving the problem. It is an objective statement that focuses on the "it," not on the subjective experience of either you or them. They may seem to be asking or demanding something impossible, not taking an active role or responsibility in resolving the issue, or even presenting you with a "no-win" situation.

The truth statement is meant to respond clearly and honestly to the demand or behavior while placing responsibility where it belongs. Examples include: "This is what I can do…," "This is what will happen…," and "Remember when this happened before and how you felt terrible about it later."

It is important to use the support and empathy statements so that the person with BPD is more receptive to hearing what you are saying. Otherwise, the truth statement may be experienced as another rejection, creating even more defensiveness or anger.

Validation vs. Agreement:

When first learning about SET, it can seem like you are being asked to agree with the person with BPD. It is important to clarify that validating feelings does not mean that you agree with them but rather that you recognize they are feeling them.

The supportive communication method does not mean that you are letting the person with BPD off the hook; instead, you are focusing on honest communication and ensuring that you are being heard, not just reacting to and defending against what is being said.