How to Stay Calm When Emotions Run High

Emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, or anxiety can seriously impact our well-being and decision-making. According to research, emotions can both help and hinder our decision-making process.

"When emotions are intense or heightened, they can prevent us from being mindful," says Deborah Serani, PsyD, a professor at Adelphi University and author of “Sometimes When I'm Worried.”

However, by controlling your emotions and managing your actions, thoughts, and desires, you can improve your decision-making and increase your well-being.

Why Is Controlling My Emotions So Hard?

Acting without thinking can jeopardize your ability to control your emotions. Serani points out that positive emotions, such as excitement or happiness, can negatively impact decision-making, just like negative and aggressive emotions like anger, sadness, rage, frustration, prejudice, and others.

"The key is to acknowledge your feelings but also reflect on them. As the saying goes, ‘go with your heart, but take your head with you,'” Serani says.

She also notes that impulsivity, catastrophizing, and avoidance can affect our ability to control emotions. Risk-taking, avoidant behaviors, and cognitive distortions increase stress hormones, resulting in tension, irritability, and agitation.

"These behaviors can also trigger anxiety and insecurity. Unfortunately, they can make us feel helpless and hopeless, and many people find themselves unable to find emotional stability," Serani says.

Can I Truly Control My Emotions?

The answer to this question is both yes and no, according to Natalie Christine Dattilo, PhD, a clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School.

"Our feelings are spontaneous and involuntary. They happen naturally and instinctively, like a reflex action. However, we can control how we react to them," she says.

Controlling emotions is comparable to "turning down the volume" on their intensity and "changing the channel" to a different emotion when necessary, explains Dattilo.

However, we often shame and criticize ourselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions, which amplifies their volume and makes us feel worse. — NATALIE CHRISTINE DATTILO, PHD

Strategies for Emotional Regulation

Here are some techniques to help regulate your emotions:

Foster Emotional Fluency

Emotional intelligence is the ability to comprehend and manage your emotions and recognize the emotions of others. While the term "emotional intelligence" is common, Dattilo prefers the term "emotional fluency."

"Intelligence implies that you either possess it or you don't. Fluency is something you can develop through practice, similar to learning a new language," she says.

She also points out that emotions are a form of "communication," which aligns with the concept of fluency.

"Our emotions convey a message [and capture our attention], and it's our responsibility to decipher that message. Our emotions alert us to something significant, something potentially threatening or something exciting and stimulating. They aren't inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ although we tend to categorize them that way," Dattilo explains.

As you develop emotional fluency, your emotions become less confusing and difficult to comprehend, and you learn how to deal with them effectively, she says.

Stay Grounded in the Present

While feelings are authentic, they are intangible. When emotions are intense, Dattilo advises focusing on something tangible and physical. She suggests gently pressing your hands together or placing your hand on your chest to feel your breath and heartbeat.

Listening to music is another simple yet overlooked technique for emotional regulation, she notes.

"Music can uplift, energize, soothe, and relax. It can instantly alter your mood," says Dattilo.

Practice Self-Care Activities

According to Serani, engaging in activities such as exercising, getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, and pursuing hobbies can promote emotional well-being, manage intense emotions, and foster social and emotional learning.

"Research has shown that taking care of your mind, body, and spirit in these ways can deepen your connection with yourself and assist with self-regulation," she says.

Engage in Inner Work Exercises

Expressive arts like journaling and blogging, attending support groups, and seeking out psychotherapy can help you process emotions, gain insight into the underlying causes of intense emotions, says Serani.

"One of the additional advantages is that these experiences can help root out some of the triggers, traumas, or unresolved patterns that set off overwhelming emotions," she notes.

Identify Triggers That Intensify Emotions

While triggers like specific situations or individuals can be highly unpleasant and it's natural to avoid them, Dattilo emphasizes that identifying your triggers can provide opportunities to develop alternative responses to them.

"Practice helps us establish and strengthen emotion regulation skills like breathing and reframing so that they are readily available and useful when we need them, in real time," she says.

Engage in Constructive Communication

The following assertive communication techniques can help you effectively express emotions, actively listen, and set boundaries while maintaining respect and empathy:

Step Away from Hostile Conversations

Understand that you don't have to engage in a conversation with someone who is becoming hostile. Dattilo suggests saying, "This conversation is significant, and I can tell I’m/you’re becoming upset. I think we should step away from it for a while."

However, set aside a time to revisit the conversation rather than ignoring or avoiding it.

Returning to a conversation after a break can strengthen a relationship, not returning to it can weaken one. — NATALIE CHRISTINE DATTILO, PHD

Avoid Accusatory Words

Instead of accusing someone of something general like being mean, Dattilo suggests making your point using a framework like: "When you ‘x’, I feel ‘y.’"

"For example, ‘When you look at your phone during dinner, I feel ignored and unimportant. Can we talk to each other instead?’” she says.

Allow Others to Speak Uninterrupted

Serani suggests allocating a specific amount of time for other people in the conversation to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption.

"Generally, five minutes or under is a good time frame," she says.

While listening, remain silent and focus on comprehending what others are saying.

"By the way, the word listen contains the same letters as the word silent," says Serani.

Compose Yourself Before Speaking

When it's your turn to speak, Serani recommends taking deep breaths and attempting to reduce stress reactions.

"This way, if your emotions are running high, you can invite the cognitive parts of your brain to assist with reasoning," she says.

Seek Common Ground

Finding areas of agreement is a way to maintain a respectful conversation. For example, Dattilo suggests using statements like "Can we agree to discuss this later?" or "Can we agree that arguing is not going to solve anything tonight and try to find a better solution tomorrow?"

"Seeking agreement also helps your partner feel like they can ‘buy in’ to any potential solution reached," she says.

Conclusion

Everyone experiences emotions that can sometimes overwhelm them. However, learning to regulate your emotions is a skill that can be developed and improved with practice, patience, and self-compassion. View each challenging situation that tests your emotions as an opportunity to grow and enhance your emotional fluency.