“Have You Eaten Yet?”: Food As an Asian Expression of Love

In Asian cultures, expressing love often revolves around the concept of food. This idea is known as "food as love" and is a deeply ingrained part of many Asian families. For many individuals who identify as Asian or Asian American, the connection between food and love is as genuine as the expired sauce in their mother's pantry.

Food as an Asian Love Language

Ivy Kwong, a psychotherapist specializing in AAPI mental health, explains that food in Asian culture serves as a love language. This love is expressed through various actions, such as sharing dishes, sending leftovers, making someone's favorite dish, and constantly asking if they've eaten or if they're eating well.

Kwong's personal experience growing up with Asian parents further highlights this concept. Her mother would cook every morning and evening, making sandwiches for work or school and preparing home-cooked meals. Even now, despite being grown, she continues to show her love through food.

“Have You Eaten Yet?”: The Asian “I Love You”

For many Asian families, expressing love through direct words or physical affection may not be as common. Instead, they convey their love through actions and physical gestures. The phrase "Have You Eaten Yet?" or "Are You Hungry?" is a prevalent way Asian parents express their concern and care for their children.

Cheuk Kwan, an author and documentarian, explains that this phrase has a historical background. It originated when China was a poorer country and people often had limited access to food. Asking someone if they've eaten was a way of inquiring about their well-being.

Why Food?

Instead of hearing "I love you," many Asian kids grow up hearing the words "Have you eaten yet?" or "Are you hungry?" As Kwan notes, this phrase signifies concern and care, and has roots in China's history when food was scarce.

The importance of family unity and communal care in Asian cultures, influenced by Confucianism, further emphasizes the role of food in expressing love. A good meal is not just about filling the stomach; it's about nurturing the soul and fostering mental well-being.

Real-Life Stories

Jennifer Leung's relationship with her parents centered around food. Her father owned a restaurant where she spent most of her childhood. Her mother, Amelia, ran the restaurant and cooked both Chinese and American dishes, nourishing not only her family but also the wider community.

Jennifer perceived cooking and sharing time as her parents' way of expressing love. She didn't necessarily hear "I love you," but the acts of providing, cooking, and spending time together conveyed their love.

The Impact on the Next Generation

Growing up in an Asian family where love is expressed through food can have lasting effects on the next generation. While food can be a powerful symbol of love, the lack of direct emotional expression can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and grief among children.

The emphasis on achievement and success in Asian families, coupled with the absence of emotional validation, can negatively affect the mental health of Asian American children. Studies have shown that suicide is the leading cause of death among Asian Americans aged 15 to 24.

Coping and Prioritizing Mental Health

Jennifer Thomas, a clinical psychologist, suggests that children of Asian parents can try to understand why their parents show love the way they do. Translating acts of service, such as cooking a dish, into a form of affection can be a coping mechanism.

If parents are not understanding of their children's mental health struggles, Kwong suggests considering the context of their own experiences. They may have faced hardships and trauma that shaped their parenting style.

Prioritizing and discussing mental health is crucial for present and future generations. Moving away from the tendency to stay quiet and shut down emotions can foster healthier ways of taking care of oneself and others.

Changing Love Languages Over Time

Kwong believes that as generations progress, Asian families' love languages may evolve. By gaining appreciation and understanding for how previous generations expressed love through actions rather than words, future generations can expand their ability to give and receive love in various ways.