Discernment Counseling: Definition, Methods, and Effectiveness

Understanding Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is a specific therapeutic approach designed for couples considering divorce. Its purpose is to provide guidance and support as they weigh the option of divorce and determine the best course of action for their marriage. Discernment counseling is usually conducted by marriage and family therapists (MFTs) who specialize in marriage and divorce.

Techniques Used in Discernment Counseling

1. Individual Conversations:

• Separate sessions are held with each partner to delve deeply into their perspectives, expectations, and contributions to the marital issues. • These conversations foster accountability, self-awareness, and recognition of unhealthy interaction patterns within the relationship. • Tailored strategies are developed based on each partner's individual goals and needs. • "Leaning out" partners (those considering divorce) focus on understanding their decision-making process and exploring reasons for the marriage's decline. • "Leaning in" partners (those hoping to save the marriage) are encouraged to practice active listening, empathize with their partner's viewpoint, and develop constructive strategies for communicating during conflicts.

2. Relationship Assignments:

• Couples aiming to reconcile are assigned tasks to enhance their marriage through self-reflection and positive changes. • These assignments may include alcohol assessments, attending couples retreats, or individual therapy sessions. • If divorce is the chosen path, therapists guide couples in creating a plan for cooperative engagement during the process, taking into account factors like children's well-being and maintaining mutual respect.

Positive Impact of Discernment Counseling:

• Provides an impartial platform for couples with different views on divorce. • Enhances relationship skills, communication, and consideration. • Fosters healing, forgiveness, and compassion within the relationship. • Facilitates understanding of each partner's perspective on the marriage and divorce. • Promotes cooperative dynamics during and post the divorce process. • Improves co-parenting and future relationship-building.

History and Development of Discernment Counseling

• Dr. William Doherty, a professor of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota, founded discernment counseling. • An initial project involved collaboration with divorce lawyers and a family court judge. • The aim was to understand the dynamics of couples facing divorce, particularly those with mixed agendas. • The term "discernment counseling" was coined by attorneys who recognized the need for such an intervention.

Factors Influencing Discernment Therapy and Its Efficacy

• Research indicates that most couples seek marriage counseling primarily due to communication difficulties and compassion issues. • While research specifically on discernment therapy is limited, evidence suggests its effectiveness in helping couples make informed decisions about divorce, resulting in more amicable post-divorce relationships and improved cooperation during the process. • Discernment counseling might be more beneficial than traditional marriage counseling for couples struggling with the decision to divorce.

Role of the Discernment Counselor

• Facilitates clarity, sound perspective, and informed decision-making. • Guides couples toward determining the next steps for their marriage: pursuing divorce, marriage counseling, or maintaining the status quo. • Empowers couples to reach a mutually agreeable conclusion rather than making the decision for them. • Focuses on exploring the viability of divorce rather than improving the marriage's intimacy or resolving relationship issues.

Embarking on Discernment Counseling

1. Assessing Readiness: Contemplate your willingness to engage in open and honest discussions about your feelings, concerns, and conflicts.
2. Finding a Therapist: • Look for experienced marriage and family therapists (MFTs) who specialize in marriage and divorce. • Seek recommendations from friends, family, or medical professionals.
3. Preparing for the First Session: • Reflect on your thoughts and emotions regarding the current state of your marriage and your feelings about divorce. • Be prepared to discuss your relationship history, strengths, and challenges.
4. Engaging in the Process: • Approach counseling with an open mind and a willingness to actively participate. • Commit to the process and trust the guidance of your therapist.
5. Making Decisions: • Recognize that the decision to divorce or stay together ultimately rests with you and your partner. • Allow yourself time to contemplate the insights gained during counseling before making a final decision.