Dealing With a Partner Who Doesn't Want Change

Dealing with a partner who is unwilling to change behaviors or habits that cause problems in the relationship can be challenging. It can lead to conflict, hurt relationship satisfaction, and even destroy the relationship.

Recognizing Signs of Needed Change

Some signs that indicate your partner may need to change include:

• Lack of interest in spending time with you or shared activities
• Emotional or physical abuse
• Infidelity
• Gambling
• Frequent drunkenness or excessive drinking
• Negative attitude
• Inability to hold down a job
• Excessive spending

How to Respond

1. Accept You Can't Change Your Partner:

• Focus on changing your own behavior and reactions.
• Try responding differently to difficult situations.
• Consider individual counseling for self-care and guidance.

2. Know Yourself:

• Understand your values, expectations, and boundaries.
• Determine which of your partner's behaviors you can live with and which are deal-breakers.

3. Face the Issues:

• Express your concerns and fears about the future of your relationship.
• Have a serious discussion about addressing the problems.
• Don't postpone this conversation.

Strategies for Difficult Conversations:

• Appreciate your partner's positive qualities before discussing issues.
• Limit the discussion to one or two items for consideration.
• Be warm and non-confrontational.
• Brainstorm solutions and suggest couples counseling as an option.
• Choose a suitable time and place for the conversation.
• Focus on expressing your feelings and needs rather than criticizing.

If They Agree to Try:

• Allow your partner time to make changes.
• Offer support and encouragement.
• Consider couples counseling to help work through the issues.

Should You End the Relationship?

• Consider ending the relationship if the issue is a significant deal-breaker, goes against your values, or endangers you or your family.

Re-Evaluate:

• Ask yourself if the situation is a temporary crisis or the end of the relationship.
• Consider the best and worst outcomes of staying together and divorcing.

A Word From Verywell:

• There are no easy answers when only one partner is willing to address relationship issues.
• There are things you can do to cope with the situation, but ending the relationship is also an option.
• Ultimately, only you can decide what is right for you.