How to Stop Saying Hurtful Things You Don't Mean

Craig's Concern:

Craig, a 32-year-old man, worries that his habit of saying hurtful things to his wife is damaging their relationship. He wants to know how to change this behavior.

Amy's Advice:

1. Acknowledge Your Behavior:

   • Recognize that your words are causing pain and damaging your relationship.
   • Take responsibility for your actions and the hurt they cause.

2. Take Ownership:

   • Focus on changing your behavior rather than expecting your wife to change.
   • Take charge of your emotions and reactions.

3. Offer an Explanation:

   • Provide a calm explanation for your behavior without making excuses.
   • Take responsibility for your emotions and actions.

4. Recognize Physical Signs:

   • Learn to identify physical signs of stress and anger, such as a racing heart or flushed face.
   • Pause when these signs appear to avoid saying hurtful things.

5. Create a Collaborative Plan:

   • Partner with your wife to develop a plan that supports your efforts to remain calm.
   • This plan might involve taking breaks, using specific phrases, or communicating about your feelings.

6. Engage in Self-Reflection:

   • Analyze the reasons behind your defensiveness.
   • Are you making incorrect assumptions about your wife's intentions or actions?

7. Practice Healthy Communication:

   • Avoid ignoring problems as they arise.
   • Communicate your concerns calmly and address issues promptly.

8. Seek Professional Help:

   • Consider seeking therapy if you find it difficult to change your behavior on your own.

Remember, change takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and seek support if needed.